96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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