false alarm. still invincible.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
