I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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