you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
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there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
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No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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