My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
