He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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