It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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