i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
