How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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