I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i think i just lost a toe
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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