He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
