I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You've changed since you got that strap on
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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