Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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