Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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