Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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