I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
