I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think my moral compass just broke
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
