sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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