When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
