he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
