call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
