where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
