how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
