Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
