I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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