Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
