Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
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Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
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I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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