so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
