You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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