is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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