its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
