forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
