Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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