I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
