He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
