I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
