were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
