Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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