guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
