New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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