i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I supernannyed him into submission
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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