We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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