Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
