Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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