I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
