Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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