Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
