Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
