Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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