my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
