You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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