Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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