HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
