o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
