I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
