3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
