my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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