I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
