Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
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