He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize