There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize