omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
