Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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