Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
