Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
