Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
