we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
