So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
