my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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