I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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